A friend of mine is going through a breakup. She’s doing ok, but it’s only been about a week and a half and she’s right in that it-still-hurts-just-as-much-but-there’s-nothing-left-to-say phase. I went through all the usual “you deserve better” and “he’ll be sorry” at first, but now our conversations have pretty much boiled down to her saying, “yep, he’s still gone” and me saying, “dude….that sucks…”
Talking about it with her has naturally brought up my own past experiences and I realized something rather profound recently. I shared it with her, but she’s not in that place where she can believe what I’m saying, so until she gets there, I’ll share it with you:
My breakup is the number one thing in my life that made me a better person.
I’m serious, it really was. (And by “my breakup”, I’m referring to the end of my long term relationship with my college boyfriend.) That one adolescent act altered my inner self more than study or trauma or even death ever has. I can actually say that my breakup altered me more than my marriage did, which is pretty incredible when you really think about it! Let me break it down…
I’ve written about my breakup before, but it’s usually been in the context of this really hard things that I went through and when I came out the other side, I found Kyle waiting for me. That is my favorite perspective on it, but it does simplify things quite a bit. It suggests that it was this nasty thing that I just needed to get past so that I could be done with it, when in reality it was a major shift in my personality tectonic plates.
Before my breakup…no, wait, let’s go back even further…before my college relationship, I had a pretty set view on life. I was much more concerned with getting ahead in my education and occupation than I was in relationships. I felt like I was constantly at battle with everyone around me, including friends and family, simply because everything was always such a struggle. I think everyone has this feeling at some point in adolescence, although we approach it differently. My approach was to come out swinging. I figured that if I could understand life, I could at least dominate it.
My college relationship started unexpectedly when Kate set me up on a blind date. It was summertime, life was easy, and by the next fall I had shifted my focus from conquering the world to conquering one person. The relationship that lasted for the next three years was one of constant struggle, as a result, because we were happy but also very insecure, possessive, and self-centered.
I think we both approached the relationship from the standpoint that we were going to force the relationship into whatever form we needed it to be so that we could have the life we deserved. In my mind, this meant that he would be a constant companion, unquestioning of my authority, and dependable as we built our home and raised our family. In his mind, this meant that I would be a constant companion, unquestioningly supportive of his career goals, and dependable as he made his mark on the world. Unfortunately, you can’t run a relationship simply on the fuel of wanting to constantly be together, especially when you’re driving each other crazy and you’re both there for different reasons.
When the relationship ended, not by my decision, I was crushed. I was completely bewildered, terrified of going on alone, and outraged that he had the audacity to veer from my life plan. My dependence on our relationship had honestly led to an atrophy of spirit. I was dependent on him for happiness, for support, for validation…and I was so used to him being there that my reaction was not one of concern for him, but rather the selfish anger of a hurt child. It was terrible.
And then…days and weeks of lying in bed later…I don’t know. It’s like sparks started to come back. I made lists of all the things that he had never wanted me to do, all the books and movies that he thought were too dumb to watch, all of the people he didn’t like me to hang around with…and I dove in. I think it started out as revenge, but it quickly grew into revival. I found new sources of happiness that didn’t have anything to do with anyone else and every good discovery left me wanting more. It was like I was famished for life experience.
Before I knew it, I had broken off into a different person. This person was new and still frightened about the future, but she was much stronger, much more content, and, ultimately, much more interesting than the person I had been. We talked about rekindling the relationship, but by then it was too late. I was on a trajectory that was leading me up and away from that old life and, as it turned out, I would never go back.
There are other things in my life that have profoundly affected me. Having Kyle in my life and experiencing love that I spent a long time not being able to understand is one of those things. Kyle has affected me by freely giving me stuff I didn’t know I needed. But I have to remember that if it hadn’t been for that bump on the road to where I am now, I wouldn’t have ended up being the person who could turn to Kyle and give back. And for that, even with all of the past pain, I am intensely, intensely grateful.
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A friend of mine is going through a breakup. She's doing ok,
I just introduced my two little monkeys to the Woopie Cushion, I wish you could hear the laughter in our home right now. Not quite sure if this was a good idea or not, but right now it’s pretty hilarious. Anyways, when we were out driving, the car ahead of us had a sticker that read, “Have a Grateful Day”. It totally changed my point of view for the day! Frankly ALL day long I’ve been dreading the things I had to do, and now I’m just thinking of how grateful I am for all those dreadful things (which truly aren’t dreadful at all) that I get to do. Funny how a change of mind can completely change the outlook of your day.
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